Dear Spammers, If you want to send me spam and have me actually look at it, please try to keep the following helpful hints in mind:
– Never send me a message with a blank subject line or only “Re:” or “(no subject),” “hi there” or “Free” + [anything] in the subject line. I don’t open them.
– Especially don’t send me messages entitled “Thanks for last night…” — I might think they are legitimate messages.
– If you are a relative of a deposed African dictator seeking help in transferring your hidden bank accounts to the West, please understand that while I would like to help you, I already gave all my money to your sister.
– If I don’t know you — please put something that is truly relevant to my interests, or someone or something we have in common, in the subject line, so that I can easily tell it’s not spam when I go through my spam filter’s Suspect Messages folder. Helpful hint: “Paris Hilton” is no longer relevant to my interests since she released that video of us without asking me first.
– Do not put the name of one of my companies + [register your site]. The fact that you and all your friends keep sending me messages like this proves my site is not so hard to find — so why exactly do I need to register it with your directory?
– No more stuff about pictures of sex acts, “banned cd’s,” dating services, network marketing schemes, domain name renewals, or joining new social networking services. — I am not a pervert! Although…now that I think of it, I am kind of curious about social networks. And well…ok, I guess if you have any really good pictures you can still send those too.
– If you’re going to send me spam, please make it interesting so that at least I learn something or get something of value when reading it — For example, how about including your valid passwords and credit card numbers for starters? I would really enjoy reading those.
– If I haven’t responded to your spam after you send it to me a few times, how about not resending the same spam 100 more times? — Strange as it may seem to you, I am actually LESS likely to respond the more times you send me the same thing. What are you, stupid or something?
– If you don’t put a From-Address on your spam, I can tell you are hiding something. At least make up a From-Address. But don’t set your From to my email address — because that’s me and I can tell I didn’t send that message to myself!
– Also no more messages of the form, [herbal, generic, cheap] + “Viagra” — I don’t use Viagra. My brain synthesizes it naturally. And by the way Viagra is patented and there is no generic or herbal version. Besides, ever since I tried your product last week, I haven’t been able to put on my damn pants.
– Please don’t send me messages asking me for my passwords and credit card numbers anymore — or at least tell me what I get if I give them to you; What’s in it for me, cracka?
– If you insist on sending me file attachments, you might not want to name them “death.exe” or “sobig” or “worm.zip” — it’s a dead giveway. Besides, I never open viruses from people I don’t know.
– If you really really reaaaally want to annoy me, you could post comment spam in my Weblog. That would really piss me off a lot, ensuring that I would be in a buying mood when I look at whatever product or service you are trying to market at me.
– No more messages of the form, [anything] + “penis” + [anything]. I’m secure about mine, and I’m not interested in yours, and besides I only want what I don’t already have.
– If you send me anything about “Interest rates” or “home loans” please note: My interest rate in what you are sending me is -200%, which is a lot lower than whatever interest rate you are offering. But if you can meet or beat my interest rate, let me know and I’ll be happy to borrow from you.
– If you would like to learn how to spam me more effectively, you can sign up for my “How to Spam Nova Successfully” course, available as an e-book. Now it’s ABSOLUTELY FREE for a limited time! All you have to pay is $19.99, plus a small monthly fee. Some restrictions apply. Please use Paypal to send me your payment. Maybe I’ll send you my book. Maybe I won’t.
– But first, in order for me to process your order, your ISP and credit card companies asked me to get your login info, passwords, credit card numbers and PINs so I can make sure you are who you say you are. Please email them to me, with the title “Get Stuff Free, Now!” in your message.