Humor: How to Spam Me More Effectively
January 29th, 2004Dear Spammers, If you want to send me spam and have me actually look at it, please try to keep the following helpful hints in mind:
- Never send me a message with a blank subject line or only “Re:” or “(no subject),” “hi there” or “Free” + [anything] in the subject line. I don’t open them.
- Especially don’t send me messages entitled “Thanks for last night…” — I might think they are legitimate messages.
- If you are a relative of a deposed African dictator seeking help in transferring your hidden bank accounts to the West, please understand that while I would like to help you, I already gave all my money to your sister.
- If I don’t know you — please put something that is truly relevant to my interests, or someone or something we have in common, in the subject line, so that I can easily tell it’s not spam when I go through my spam filter’s Suspect Messages folder. Helpful hint: “Paris Hilton” is no longer relevant to my interests since she released that video of us without asking me first.
- Do not put the name of one of my companies + [register your site]. The fact that you and all your friends keep sending me messages like this proves my site is not so hard to find — so why exactly do I need to register it with your directory?
- No more stuff about pictures of sex acts, “banned cd’s,” dating services, network marketing schemes, domain name renewals, or joining new social networking services. — I am not a pervert! Although…now that I think of it, I am kind of curious about social networks. And well…ok, I guess if you have any really good pictures you can still send those too.
- If you’re going to send me spam, please make it interesting so that at least I learn something or get something of value when reading it — For example, how about including your valid passwords and credit card numbers for starters? I would really enjoy reading those.
- If I haven’t responded to your spam after you send it to me a few times, how about not resending the same spam 100 more times? — Strange as it may seem to you, I am actually LESS likely to respond the more times you send me the same thing. What are you, stupid or something?
- If you don’t put a From-Address on your spam, I can tell you are hiding something. At least make up a From-Address. But don’t set your From to my email address — because that’s me and I can tell I didn’t send that message to myself!
- Also no more messages of the form, [herbal, generic, cheap] + “Viagra” — I don’t use Viagra. My brain synthesizes it naturally. And by the way Viagra is patented and there is no generic or herbal version. Besides, ever since I tried your product last week, I haven’t been able to put on my damn pants.
- Please don’t send me messages asking me for my passwords and credit card numbers anymore — or at least tell me what I get if I give them to you; What’s in it for me, cracka?
- If you insist on sending me file attachments, you might not want to name them “death.exe” or “sobig” or “worm.zip” — it’s a dead giveway. Besides, I never open viruses from people I don’t know.
- If you really really reaaaally want to annoy me, you could post comment spam in my Weblog. That would really piss me off a lot, ensuring that I would be in a buying mood when I look at whatever product or service you are trying to market at me.
- No more messages of the form, [anything] + “penis” + [anything]. I’m secure about mine, and I’m not interested in yours, and besides I only want what I don’t already have.
- If you send me anything about “Interest rates” or “home loans” please note: My interest rate in what you are sending me is -200%, which is a lot lower than whatever interest rate you are offering. But if you can meet or beat my interest rate, let me know and I’ll be happy to borrow from you.
- If you would like to learn how to spam me more effectively, you can sign up for my “How to Spam Nova Successfully” course, available as an e-book. Now it’s ABSOLUTELY FREE for a limited time! All you have to pay is $19.99, plus a small monthly fee. Some restrictions apply. Please use Paypal to send me your payment. Maybe I’ll send you my book. Maybe I won’t.
- But first, in order for me to process your order, your ISP and credit card companies asked me to get your login info, passwords, credit card numbers and PINs so I can make sure you are who you say you are. Please email them to me, with the title “Get Stuff Free, Now!” in your message.
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